Skool Test of Doom
by HeroineCruor
Summary: The teacher takes a look at Zim's test. A bunch of one-shots and two-shots about tests our lovely Irken has to pain himself through. Will he pass them? Main genre: COMEDY! Rated K plus for test content and other past-the-radar-stuff.
1. General Knowledge Test of DOOM!

"Alright, Zim, let's take a look at the answers of your 'part 1 general-knowledge test'." Ms. Bitters said, as her name describes pretty much, in a bitter voice. Zim moved his hand back and forth; showing off his cockiness.

"Sure, old human. Your eyes will pop from the superiority of my knowledge." He claimed cockily, doing a, to him, mighty gesture with his hands. To everyone else, it looked like a chicken flapping it's wings.

The teacher just sighed, and started to eye through Zim's test.

* * *

**1. Describe an apocalypse.**

Answer: THE DAY OF DOOM WHERE YOU FILTHY HYOOMANS WILL BOW BEFORE THE ALMIGHTY ZIM! THE DAY YOU'LL DIE, THE DAY EARTH WILL IMPACT FROM BEING ELIMINATED AMONG THE STARS OF IRKEN TERRITORY! WE WILL SHOW NO MERCY! YOU'LL DIE, DIE DIE DIE! …and just a tiny small chance I'll spare you if you just stop dominating your mudball Earth and let me take over it.

**2. Who started the Second World War?**

Answer: That pesky human who attempted to take Earth Before me? WHERE DOES HE LIVE! I'LL MAKE SURE THERE'S NOTHING LEFT OF HIM BY THE END OF TODAY…! KILL HIM!

Oh, and his name doesn't matter. The human's trademarks are all the same; there's no difference. That means…his name is DIB (because I wish he will be killed by an atom bomb the size of the sun…)

**3. Where do babies come from?**

Answer: The filthy human miniatures come from SPACE!

**4. What do you think will happen in the future? Will it:**

**a) Return to it's former state in the Big Bang Theory.**

**b) Nothing will happen.**

**c) Some alien force will attack it.**

**d) The global upwarming will do the job to eliminate mankind.**

Answer:

a) Nope.

b) Nope.

c) YES! THE STINKY HUMAN-PIGS WILL BE IN PAIN FOREVER AND WE WILL PULL OUT THEIR ENTRAILS AND USE THEM AS FUEL! HAHAHAHAHAAA! SUCK IT!

d) Nope.

**5. What is the opposite of red in the color spectrum?**

Answer: THE COLOUR OF THE ALMIGHTY ZIM, THE MIGHTY COLOR THAT MAKES YOU CRINGE! GREEN! HAHA!

Ps. No, not the colour of jealousy! Zim is not jealous of anyone!

**6. What is the answer of 83+72?**

Answer: HOW DARE YOU TO ASK ME A MATHEMATHIC QUESTION! LIKE I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER! IT'S…

It's…

…

…

…

DO NOT QUESTION ZIM!

**7. Do you think Dib is insane?**

**a) Yes, yes, and yes.**

**b) *_You can't choose this answer_* There's no way he can be, he's clever.**

Answer: Of course that Dib-thing is insane! I'm so normal…so normal and ugly am I…I have skin condition! Yes, yes I have…

I'LL IN THE SOON FUTURE CONQUER EARTH AND IT'LL BE MINE!

MINE!

…

Did I mention I'm a normal Earth-boy?

**8. What fuel is used for vehicles?**

Answer: I use normal human fuel as every normal civilian of this mudball. Yes, yes I do…I use HUMANLY FUEL!

**9. What is the show that the fans of it calls themselves "bronies?"**

Answer: Brownies? What. So…AHA! Human babies do not come from space…they come from THE OVEN!

**10. Who is the president of The United States of America?**

Answer: THE ALMIGHTY ZIM IS! …uhmm, but at the moment, it's a human-smelly, as said, earlier, names of humans make no difference. ZIM WILL WANDER OVER THERE AND KILL HIM FIRST SO I HAVE THE POWER OVER THIS PLANET! Haha…I'm gonna prepare my irken weapons now!

**11. Last question of part 1, and motivate all of these:**

**a) Motivate the current political government.**

**b) Motivate the current state of the world.**

**c) Motivate the person you hate the most.**

**d) Motivate the random kid next to you picking his nose.**

Answer:

a) It's doomed.

b) It's doomed.

c) He's doomed.

d) He's doomed. (And will be sooner if he doesn't stop disgusting my mighty presence).

**Teacher's note: Congratulations. If you answered all the questions, you're an idiot for wasting your time when you're going to die from the apocalypse of tomorrow. **

* * *

Ms. Bitters looked up at Zim from the paper, giving him a blank expression. The alien averted his eyes down then back at the teacher.

"Congratulations Zim", she said lastly, "You've got an A for your supreme level of intellect. You got the rest of the day off."

Zim laughed as he jumped off his chair, and poked his tongue out at the sulky Dib-human who was being pretty mad over Zim's grade, put mildly.

Their rivalry was everywhere…even in a simple school test.

* * *

**A/N: Just a thing I wrote in school on my school laptop. I was bored (I had no lessons during the Writing of this...) Hope you like, and R&R!**


	2. Human's Surreal Romances of DOOM!

**A/N: This was only planned as a one-shot, but after seeing the positive response I added a chapter, and will add another one after this, so it's a two-shot. It has nothing to do with the previous chapter at all, but what the heck XD **

**And guess who makes an appearance? *drum roll* TAK! Yes, you heard me, Tak! Because I love her! ^^**

**Btw, Zim still has to go through a test, so it's not completely off-topic. :D**

**Enjoy and don't forget to laugh! If it's funny to you, that is...**

* * *

"Ok, class, today we are going to have studies about the popular story 'Romeo and Juliet'." Ms. Bitters said as she handed out booklets to all the pupils. Dib looked surprised as he scrolled it through.

'That's odd, why is she giving us studies about gushy roma-' His thoughts were answered directly, he even flinched a little in his seat.

"This is going to teach you that love kills, and is not worth looking for." The teacher preached, grabbing a chalk and wrote 'SUICIDE' with big capitals on the blackboard. Dib crossed his arms and slumped back into his chair carelessly. 'Yeah, that was pretty predictable.' He unwrapped a bubble gum and began to chew on it vigorously. It was lemon flavor. Yum.

He cast his gaze sideways to where Zim sat, and as he expected, Zim's face was twisted in puzzlement and tried hard to understand what kind of human story they were going to read as he stared downwards. The human blew a bubble as he began his usual taunting rant.

"What's the matter, Zim? You don't know what romance is? Are you just scared you might not know?" He teased, another vague attempt at trying to reveal his origin. However, this time he wasn't even trying. Simply enjoying Zim's confusion was hilarious, strengthen it up a notch would make it comedy gold.

The alien responded his gaze, and was for the first time speechless, perplexed. One would expect Zim to give a cheesy comeback of how normal he was, but he in all honesty, and innocence amusingly added, scratched the back of his head. Since the incident with Tak he had been automatically motivated to avoid human affection as much as he could. The documents about love stored in his PAK was just making it kind of cramped in there. He needed the space for the importance of destruction, so he had chosen to toss it away, with no regrets. Though, he couldn't help but wonder what kind of crack this author had been on while writing this piece.

'Who cares about poetry? We should just go around and gut each other instead of this futility!' Was his traditional thought, but it had come to be so normal that he didn't think about it anymore. Just concentrated at the useless school work at hand, trying to come over his ignorance of Earth.

"Nonsense, filthy Earth boy! The great and powerful ZIMMM is capable of everything, even icky love." He concluded, smirking confidently back, clutching the edges of the desk as to remark his statement as the truth and nothing else. He turned his head back at the task. He had wondered over what kind of emotion love really was if it drove people so mad that it could kill themselves by will. Heh, what a weak emotion. Zim was glad that he never had the chance to experience this sense for another Irken. Or human being. Or any species for that matter.

The alien gazed through the text and tried his best to at least comprehend one sentence with his foreign knowledge, but despite his stubbornness, it just didn't work! The balcony scene was the corniest read he had ever had in his lightyears of life.

_"But soft, what light through yonder the window breaks?_  
_It is the east and Juliet is the sun!_  
_Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,_  
_Who is already sick and pale with grief "_

_"As daylight doth a lamp. Her eyes in heaven_  
_Would through the airy region stream so bright_  
_That birds would sing and think it were not night."_

_"With love's light wings did I o'erperch these walls,_  
_For stony limits cannot hold love out,_  
_And what love can do, that dares love attempt:_  
_Therefore thy kinsmen are no stop to me."_

After reading through the first act, he only wondered; crystal meth or crack? Both? Definitely both. Why didn't they speak like normal human-smellies? Why make it so complicated? Was there a need? He couldn't possibly have become rich out of this...

"And for your info," Ms Bitters called out, "William Shakespeare is the best-selling author in history, with an amount 2-4 billion dollars earned ever year of fictional writing. So if you think he's smoking or something alike, I consider the idea of punishing the daylights out of you." She wandered her gaze to the front row of pupils, then dismissed flatly, Zim sent off a fake smile to her liking. He forgot however that she didn't care for anyone's mood swings.

"You can leave now and revert to whatever meaningless things you spend time on during recess. Let the door hit you on the way out; it's the safest way of receiving injuries and might trigger your want to die."

* * *

"GIR!" Zim summoned.

The robot darted to his side with his eyes duty red. Heheh...doody. Doody red. Gir thought the joke was so funny that he laughed his organs out, rolling on the floor in ecstasy. Zim frowned with his fists on his hips. Now it definitely was not the time to fool around. This was serious business! Well...in his book. Heh. See what he did there?

"Gir..." He called out again, his voice went low as he stretched his name, "Explain to me what Romeo and Juliet is."

The Sir unit bolted up, playing with the words on his tongue before eagerly, still uncertain, answering his master.

"Two peoples fall in love and they can't be together to cook waffles! Because uh...because their families already decided to have pancakes! So the girl fakes her death so she and the guy can make waffles! He thinks she ate all the ingredients so he drinks a liquid that make him fall asleep FOREVERRR!" Gir drew out, standing on a desk as if to add drama to the story. Zim sat back, trying to make out of the story, still he knew that Gir had a lot of errors in it.

"Then she tries to eat the waffles out of his mouth! But she thinks it's so disgusting that she wants the taste out of her, and stabs herself! The families later agreed to have waffles after all, because waffles is ALWAYS THE BEST!" He squealed, then he took a plate of waffles and shoved them into his master's face. Before they both knew it, syrup and waffles were spilled all over him. He stood up. Asking Gir had been a waste of time. The alien had just automatically assumed that the robot would've known about the story since he was more engaged in human stories than himself. When thinking about it further, knowing Gir, it was maybe just wish-thinking. And he had been right.

"You gonna make biscuits?!"

Ignoring his servant, Zim decided to research for the stories on the computer.

"Computerrrrr!" The alien commanded, his voice lowering and raising.

"Whhaaaaaaaat?" Computer yawned boringly.

"I need you to research for 'Romeo and Juliet'!" He ordered, oblivious to the static sigh the robot let out. One should feel horoned by being instructed by ZIM! There was even refusal in his thoughts if even Dib could have felt refusal towards him! Zim refused refusal, and if you refuse that he refuses, be refused to ever stand near the superiority of this destruction master!

"Yeah, sure whatever." A lot of covers of books and DVDs came up in the research. Zim's tongue hanged out in disgust, even thinking of being that close to an Irken sickened him to the core. He had learned back on Irk that love and reproductive organs have gradually disappeared as they evolved further from the genetic removal. There was a saying that love and other emotions would stand in the way of the heart that consisted of darkness among the aliens, Irken's only task was to invade and invade only, for the Irken Empire. Of course, Zim had accepted to have the other's as his mates during training, but never as much as let them come Close to him. It was worth it. It was more than worth it, it was needed! After all, his name meant 'loyalty' in Irken! Well...uh...at least in this story.

"Computer! Search for the balcony scene!"

"Access denied."

"What? Why?"

"Because you're a moron."

"You dookie!"

Zim sighed, then pointed to his head, tapping it claiming he was smart, in a gesture.

"Then I guess I have to rely on my übersmart brain! Computer, the capital of Australia is Sydney, am I right?"

"No, it's Canberra, you idiot."

"I'm ready to go! Haha, funny joke there computer! Now, I guess I have to study the test on my own..." The alien found himself say and shivered at the word 'test', he hated the Word more than Di-

Got ya! You really thought he hated it more than Dib? Then you're on a trip daydreaming your head off!

A doorbell ring went off. Zim felt the anger rising within him. Couldn't the Dib leave him alone?! This was serious business! More serious than his big head and his annoying Dibness! He had no time for this! He determined to open the door, anyway. But just for the joy to slam the door on his face and scream 'Victory for Zim!' He brought a mini-camera to film the pricelessness! He totally made up that word, yay, he should call the English Academy later for his cleverness! He should call them twice later for that word too and-...ah whatever gosh darn it.

The Irken made his way to front door and wrenched the door open, his mouth forming a twisted grin on his way there. However, he had a confused look, as if he had no idea what was going on (like the time he met Sizzlorr), his tongue sticking out sloppily.

It was a human. Or, well, it was at least a life form. The person in question had a cape and a hood, a little like a black version of Little Red Riding Hood. It was Zim's favorite human fairytale because the girl died in the end. Muahaha!

Then Zim bolted into the house again, like a bullet, screaming and yelling making the house echo. He kept on screaming 'bloody murder' and never finsihed on his way back.

The person who stood there, which you don't know who it is, raised an eyebrow and held in a laughter when she/he saw Zim come back with a hockey stick and a bicycle helmet in defense; ready to fight. The hockey stick high up in the air, Zim yelled making the spit run in several directions.

Then Gir ran outside, protecting his master. "INTRUDER!" He shouted as a boxing glove shot out of his chest and knocked the person out cold. The last thing the person could remember was a pair of cyan Eyes, and ear-tearing screaming, making him/her flinch.

"Where's is my toquitos?! Give back my toquitos!"

Zim placed his claws on Gir's shoulders to make him still.

"Hush Gir!" For once the robot was obedient and instead fell asleep. The Irken crawled closer and closer to the mysterious person, and gently yanked off the hood. The sight that greeted him made him gasp, but then an insane laughter emitted from his throat.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Tak." He busted into a zipper-like smile as he observed the female Irken. Then he noticed a cleavage by the base of her neck. Curious, he trailed his claw to the upper hem of the coat and began to pull it down a notch. He didn't get a good view until a slap surprised him, Zim twisting from the shock, or from the hit, and landed face down. Tak glared down at her victim, her claw shrinking and enlarge in time with her pulse...cartoon style.

"CUT!" The director came out, giving off a tired smile. "My work means nothing does it? For the love of dookie, Zim: What the heck made you do that?!" Zim regained composure and let his hand support his head as he slowly pushed himself up.

"I didn't do anything!" Zim snapped on a whim.

"I'm pretty sure you did." The director snapped back.

"I'm sure as heck you did something! You filthy wretch!" Tak argued, ready to repeat her previous

"YOU LIE! YOU LIIIIEEEEEE!" The male Irken asserted, flailing his arms.

The director smiled cheerlessly. "I have to deal with these jerks..." He shook his head as he prepared for the next shot.

oOoOoOo **STAND BY** oOoOoOo

Tak first noticed her surroundings when her eyelids had quit burning and she could finally snap them open, from the recall of what happened earlier. She bolted up, only to hit metal and only to wince from the drastic measure; both from pain of the knock-in and her still dizzy state of mind. She placed a claw to her forehead, trying to track any explanation down from the environment. Her stomach churned and her legs went soft at the thought of where she could possibly be current. Her thoughts lined up and began to panic slightly, her squeedlyspootch making a squeezy sound, the sound that normally calmed her, but now had the opposite effect.

"I see you're awake." The familiar hard voice made her eyes widen. No...No! It can't be, is she...? Her nightmares came true when she saw a figure take form from the shadows, the owner of it taken steps before each other's feet, the minacious claws of his taking hold of his own frame, gripped around his hips in a proper motion, it all cast in shadow on account of the crooked grin slowly taking form on that hideous, defective face. Yes, he was defect, even though the mission was his. The mission was meant for her, not this defective swine...Her return here had been obvious. Sweet, delicious revenge, but the start had been quite embarrassing, to say the least. Stupid opening might've ruined her whole plan!

Might have? It did! She was trapped, stuck in this disgusting, filthy cage, with Zim's defective germs on it! So obnoxious!

"You're surprised, yes? I expected your inferior little brain couldn't take all this in at once." The male said strapping, shifting his weight from one leg to the other. Tak's teeth gritted, scowling with her newly awake mood. How dared he underestimate her?

"What do you want?" She snapped, not listening to his previous line.

Zim's face turned blank, beginning to walk again, closer to her. This made Tak bust out into a hiss, like a snarling cat.

"Don't come any closer, you defective pig! I don't want your atrocious defectiveness!" A slam, the noise of metal, made her recoil with her eyes widening.

"SILENCE, you smelly female! You will listen to Zim and listen to him good!" He paused, drawing back his claw who had made the noise, and continued.

"I first had death in stock for you. My subsequent of thought, however, was that I could use you for my own purposes, something very theatening to my mission." He finished, waiting for a reaction. The one he got was not what he expected.

"YOUR mission? You're just a j-"

"SILENCE! I need you for only one thing...then I MIGHT let you go." The alien said, closing their distance before bringing up his hand, trailing a claw along her cheek and down her neck, smirking evilly. Tak's heart thumped against her chest. Was it what she thought it was? But it was forbidden on planet Irk! She could care less if Zim got banned, but she didn't want to immerse anything that would affect her new, elaborate status! How dare he suggest-

Then he backed off, much to Tak's confusion and relief, yet she couldn't be more weirded out. He looked as if he had forgotten about the whole conversation as his tongue stuck out goofily. His head tilted a bit innocently, yet stupidly, as he suggested his plan.

"I need you to tell me about Romeo and Juliet!" Was his plan, his voice sounding bubbly, before he closed his eyes making a cute, satisfied sound.

"Wh-what? I thought you wanted- never mind." She dismissed, staring down at the chilly floor she was sitting on, her knees drawn to her chest. Dang it! Did he do that on purpose or was her just an idiot? "Why?!"

"Because I know you know what it is!"

"I don't know what you know what I know you're insinuating." She argued.

"I know very well what you know that I know what you know I'm talking about."

"I have no clue what you know that I know what you know that I know what you're meaning!"

"...eh?" Zim said, only blinking and twitching an antenna. Tak placed her face in her claws.

"Why do you freaking want to know about a mushy romance story?! And you call yourself an invader! Don't engage in such things!" She scolded, shifting around in the cage, crawling closer to him and glaring at him face to face.

"Then how do you even know about it? Hypocrite!" Zim yelled back, pointing accusingly at her, almost pointing his finger in her face.

The silence afterwards stayed put. Tak was thinking of how she should get out of here as she scanned the room. She noticed an elevator there, maybe she could use her pak to chop down the bars with-

"YOU DID NOT YELL BACK! I OUTSMARTED YOU! VICTORY FOR ZIM!" The captor suddenly shouted.

"SHUT UP, you freak!" The female snapped and attempted to eject her spider appendages, only to find herself standing in an awkward position with her hands a small distance from her body, and clenched fists. She stood like that for a while, her face catching a look of humiliation for embarrassing her potent self. The male cackled, attracting her attention.

"You think I'm stupid? I deactivated your PAK PCB while you were unconscious, also I let Gir put some syrup in it-"

"SYRUP TASTE LIKE HONEY!" The robot came out of thin air, standing in front of Zim and startled the living Irken veins out of Tak. Hearing Gir's sudden outbursts was such a normal habit for Zim so he just pushed his servant aside and cleared his throat, to prepare his speech of doom.

"I also have a little flying spying device following each of my enemies. I have a steady eye on you, Tak. I've seen what you've done through the little camera. I've been watching you, fixed on your hobbies when I haven't been skimming on plans to eliminate mankind or gone to skool. So I'm fully aware you have ideas of the human's entertainment." Tak cursed herself for feeling the blush creeping up on her.

**_Flashback_**

_"We can't stooooop, and we won't stoooooop..." Tak slurred, faltering around her room trying to sing along with the song playing on the radio. She was wearing a Cher wig and lipstick smeared all over her cheeks and eyelids. She was drinking Irken srine, put simply, a kind of alcohol in planet Irk._

_Zim was watching her dance on his monitors, laughing his butt off. "Gir! Bring me popcorn!"_

**_End of Flashback_**

The female tried to change the subject, not wanting to figure what he could've seen.

"You sneaky son of a-"

"Ah, ah, ah!" Zim warned, wagging a finger at her teasingly. "K-rated fanfic is K-rated."

She sighed, and changed the subject again, seriously, she was becoming a master at it. And with Zim's naivety, it was easier.

"Why is that story so important? Why do you have to know about it?"

The male scratched his cheek, thinking back to the horrible threat to his mission.

_**Holy crap, Flashback again!**_

_"If you don't go through with the studying and then the test..." Ms Bitters paused to look around the mass of kids. "You're getting sent to the underground class." Silence, the only think heard was the ticking of the clock. She muttered, turning to her desk to pull out a shirt, and showed it off, making everyone gasp in horror._

_"Or you'll have to wear a shirt saying 'I love Miley Cyrus' on it!"_

_"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Zim screamed, the camera panning out and zooming out all the same. The kids stared at him strangely._

**_End of Flashback again!_**

"DO NOT QUESTION ZIM!" He yelled, grabbing a cage bar and shook it. Tak just sighed and put herself into a comfortable position so to get over with this nonsense.

It took long for his anger to put at ease, and a few moments later Tak just questioned one more thing.

"Well, what's the catch then?" She yawned.

"There is no catch! If you don't do as I say you'll be stuck in here forever!" His traditional insane laughter echoed through the base, until Tak reached her foot through between the bars which had a long distance to each other (since everyone always wonders why the hero in movies isn't escaping through the huge gaps), and kicked him in the groin. The attack was weak, but everyone knew a little hit to the crotch could hurt like heck, almost as much as stepping on a lego.

"AAAARGHHHHH! ARGGHHH! It BURNS! IT BURNS!" Zim screamed, rolling on the floor, feeling as if someone had ripped out his heart.

"10 Days. Then I'm out." She commanded, laughing her antennae off at the display of her enemy crying tears of pain and yowling on the floor. When he calmed down, he breathed heavily, and reluctantly went up to the cage to unlock it. After he got the lock off she bust out into a wide, eerie and sinister smile. Now she could finally run away and ditch his offer to...

...then her thoughts faded off when she noticed that Zim had handcuffed them together.

"Hehe, you're stuck with me for a week and three days." Zim taunted, making his zip-like grin visible.

"DOOKIE DIARRHEA!" Tak screamed, the echo bouncing off the walls in the base.

"You know what you and the human females have in common?" Zim asked off-topic.

"Uh, no?"

"You both talk too much."

"WHY, YOU!"

**_To be continued..._**

* * *

**A/N: Yeah, sexist joke at the end, but I'm a girl so I'm allowed to use it haha XD Ah, I love being female...**

**R&R!**


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